1
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife takes her netball very seriously, training hard and keeping herself in top form and now I know why – her relationship with the coach was far from professional.
A simple gesture gave their game away and now I’m not sure I can forgive her.
The worst part is that apparently the whole team knew what was going on; it was an open secret.
I feel so hurt and humiliated.
To be honest when she first got back into the sport two years ago I was relieved as I am a golf fanatic and when I’m not playing, I’m watching the game on TV or following the tours.
She was getting pretty ticked off with the amount of time she was spending alone at home and had started to put pressure on me to cut back.
I was the one who encouraged her to try out for the local women’s team.
I’m 31 and she’s 30.
Almost overnight she became completely obsessed and I thought I’d been let off the hook.
She started training at least three times a week and then there would be the matches on top of that.
We were still getting on and had a decent sex life – enjoying sex at least once a week.
Then her team got to the regional finals and I’d thought I’d surprise her by going along to watch.
I was so impressed with how athletic the whole team was and in particular, my wife.
I noticed the coach, an extremely fit and competitive woman, complementing my wife lots.
But nothing prepared me for the team celebration when they won the whole thing; everyone was hugging and jumping up and down excitedly.
I was going over to congratulate my wife when the coach also made a beeline for her.
I stood back agog as she hugged her and then reached down with one hand and squeezed her bum. And my wife’s reaction – she hugged her back as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
But you could have cut the atmosphere in two when my wife spotted me standing by. It was awkward to say the least.
Sensing something was very wrong I told her I’d see her back home.
I didn’t even have to probe when she got back, she admitted everything.
She’d been having a lesbian affair for over a year and after most training sessions would go back to the coach’s house for a shower and sex.
She said she’d got caught up in the attention and would never have strayed unless she’d felt so lonely.
She wants to make a go of our marriage and even wants to start trying for a family, something I’ve always wanted.
What should I do? I can’t think straight.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve had a nasty shock and it’s entirely natural that you’ll find it hard to know what to do.
You can start by telling your wife how let down and humiliated you feel. Explain it’s going to take time for you to work out what next steps you want to take.
It certainly sounds like you both enjoy your separate activities, and having your own interests as well as shared ones, is important in a relationship.
It’s certainly healthy to develop your own hobbies for balance but in your case it does sound as if those activities have taken over.
Your wife was lonely so looked elsewhere for company. But it’s not right to blame you for her infidelity. She needs to take ownership of her mistakes and apologise.
If you do want to try again, you’ll both need to be prepared to invest more quality time together.
Could you cut back on your golf, go and watch her netball more regularly?
One thing is for sure, it would be a very unwise move to start trying for a child until you both feel confident in your future.
A relationship counsellor would really help you both pick your way through the issues here. Ideally you would attend together, but even going alone will benefit you.
Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk) can provide you with a reputable therapist.
Dear Deidre’s Cheating Dilemmas
From secret liaisons to long-term betrayals, affairs regularly surface in Deidre’s inbox.
One man couldn’t shake the woman he drunkenly slept with after a football match, despite her relentless pursuit.
Another reader was devastated to discover her husband had been carrying on a two-year affair with their daughter’s netball coach.
And a third man found himself trapped in a gym affair that turned toxic when his lover demanded thousands to keep their secret.
WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT?
Cheating isn’t always just about sex. Someone may stray for all sorts of emotional, psychological, and circumstantial reasons. Here are few of the most common:
- Lack of intimacy – Feeling neglected, rejected or starved of affection can push people to seek connection elsewhere.
- Revenge – Cheating as payback after feeling betrayed, hurt, or undervalued in the relationship.
- Low self-esteem – Some cheat to feel wanted, sexy or powerful, especially after a confidence knock.
- Opportunity – Alcohol, secrecy, or travel can lower inhibitions and create the perfect storm.
- Addiction – Sex or porn addiction can override judgment, even in happy relationships.
- Curiosity – Especially in long-term relationships, some people crave novelty or miss the thrill of the early days.
- Emotional disconnect – If conversations have dried up or resentment is building, affairs can feel like a release.
- Validation – Some cheat just to be seen, heard, or appreciated, even if only briefly.
- Crisis point – Big life changes (bereavement, job loss, reaching your midlife) can trigger impulsive behaviour.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
