Whether you want to give it the elevated title of ‘ethical non-monogamy’ or opt for the more Carry On-esque ‘swinging’, some couples find that opening up their relationship to another person is the ideal way to spice things up.
We’ve all heard of ‘hot wifing’ or ‘cuckolding’ – when men get a sexual thrill from watching their wives being intimate with another man.
It’s been written about, filmed and even given its own subculture.
But what about the reverse? Are women aroused by watching their male partner with another woman?
Is ‘hot husbanding’ a thing?
The short answer is yes – though it’s far less talked about and considered taboo.
Why would it appeal?
Studies show women become bored with monogamous sex much quicker than men do with high numbers of married women reporting low sexual satisfaction.
UK relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) has discussed a taboo that might save someone from a boring sex life
In his bestseller, ‘What do Women Want?’, Daniel Bergner draws on extensive research from behavioural scientists, therapists, sexologists and psychologists to conclude that women are more disposed to risky erotic sex encounters that science or society let on.
Fifty-eight percent of men fantasise about ‘cuckolding’ but a third of women do, too.
Hot husbanding is rarely talked about – but the women I spoke to who enjoyed it said it’s more likely to save a marriage than destroy it.
Here’s why some women find it arousing.
You see your partner as someone who is highly desirable
There’s something unsettling about seeing someone else want your partner. If that sounds uncomfortable, that’s kind of the point. Desensitisation makes us take our partner’s love and desire for us for granted. Having that threatened – by another woman who clearly wants our man – triggers ‘mate guarding’.
This is a primal reaction which kicks your brain into thinking, ‘I’ve got the alpha male everyone wants’. Jealousy and arousal are more connected than we think: even a small dose of jealousy can dramatically ramp up desire.
Watching him with another woman also stirs up possessiveness – making you want him more.
The expert explained how hot-husbanding can spice up couples’ sex lives (pictured: Stock image)
It’s like a sexual adrenaline shot – and a huge ego boost. You chose a man who’s not just attractive to you but other women too.
You have the control and power
Allowing your partner to be with another woman – while you watch or direct the encounter – flips the script on traditional dynamics.
It’s like a sexual adrenaline shot – and a huge ego boost. You chose a man who’s not just attractive to you but other women too.
You are the gatekeeper, the director, the one calling the shots. A turn-on in itself – better still, it’s the complete opposite to what society expects of women.
Women are taught to be monogamous caretakers of relationships while men are encouraged to explore sexual fantasies.
It’s also voyeuristic. Most people enjoy watching other people have sex. Pornography wouldn’t exist if we didn’t.
So how many women are doing it?
Research is always scarce on sexual activities that are considered extremely taboo.
But studies on female sexuality show that threesomes, partner-swapping and voyeurism regularly make it into women’s top five fantasies. Women are wired for erotic imaginings just as much as men; we’ve just been slower to act on these desires openly.
‘OF COURSE THERE’S COMPETITION AND RISK – THAT’S THE TURN ON’
*Laura, 36, and her husband Matthew, 40, have been ‘hot husbanding’ for four years and say it’s kept sex as good as it was at the start
*Names are changed
‘I’m not a conventional person in any sense and neither is my husband. I know what I want and if something works for me, I don’t care what others think.
Sexually, I like things that challenge me. I get bored easily and I’m highly adventurous.
I’m attractive but I know my husband is hotter than me. I don’t mind – it makes me look good, being able to attract a man like that.
I was the one who suggested we try hot husbanding: I liked the idea of it.
I asked Matthew if he’d like to try it in real life and he agreed immediately. Why wouldn’t he? He gets to sleep with other women without having to cheat or lie. I get the rush of sexual novelty without sleeping with other men.
I don’t want to sleep with other men. That doesn’t interest me. Quite frankly, most men are lousy lovers. I want sexual thrills not boring sexual encounters.
I oversee everything – it wouldn’t work otherwise. I choose the woman (we use an app), make the first contact (we Zoom) and arrange the meeting.
I check that my husband is attracted to her, obviously, but other than that it’s up to me. I always meet her first (we have a 10-minute coffee I’m not interested in making friends) and I never do repeats.
Of course there’s competition: that’s the point and the turn on. The risk. I look at her body and see how my body compares.
I critique her sex skills while they’re at it and nearly always think, ‘I could do that better’ and know my husband is thinking the same.
Occasionally, I choose a woman who I know is way ‘better’ than me. Better looking, sexier, younger.
There’s definite rivalry in those situations and a feeling of biting off more than I can chew. ‘What if he leaves me for this one?’. ‘Am I mad for doing this?’ I must be in the mood for the challenge, but it ramps it up a lot.
I don’t mind if my husband seems really into the sex, but I don’t like it if I see them really connecting.
I’m always in the house but never in the room. I watch on my tablet. I sometimes ask him to do a certain thing but once they go into the room together, I never interfere. Just watch.
Only once have I ever asked him to stop. They were talking too much and laughing too much, and it felt like sex was taking second place to them getting to know each other. I didn’t like it.
He was fine with me calling quits on it, but she looked a bit put out. I was very glad then that I was the one who organised these sessions: neither of them had a way of contacting each other without going through me.’
Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s product ranges, blog, books and weekly podcast.
