DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my married lover wants to be with me full time, she is terrified about how her husband will react if she leaves him. He is a violent bully.
Her husband is domineering and abusive.
He treats her and her eight-year-old son like dirt. He controls everything.
She has given up seeing her friends, he constantly checks her phone and she has lost contact with all of her family.
I am 33, she is 31 and I can’t tell you how upset I get when she tells me about how he shouts, shoves and lashes out at her.
She works for my sister’s catering business and from the moment I was introduced to her I liked her.
We’d always spend our lunchtime together and I would feel so excited about seeing her.
Recently I bought her a small gift when I went on holiday.
I was taken aback when she dissolved into tears explaining it was the loveliest thing a man had done for her. We ended up kissing and she started coming around to my house whenever she could.
She can’t ever stay for long enough but we have the most wonderful sex.
My sister warned me to stay away because her husband has a bad reputation, she said he was capable of anything, but I refused to listen, and the affair has continued.
I am desperate for my lover to leave this awful man. While she wants to be with me too, she is so frightened that he will become physically violent towards her.
I worry I am being weak because I haven’t stood up to him, even though I know that her safety has to come first
DEIDRE SAYS: Stay away from him. Getting involved will only create more problems and place your lover in danger.
She needs to make leaving him a priority for herself and her son, but it has to come from her.
It’s so damaging for her son to see his mum being treated so badly.
Stress this to her and suggest she talks to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk, 0800 2000 247).
While you can be there to support her, she has a better chance of leaving safely if she doesn’t rush straight into a relationship with you.
Even a marriage she is desperate to be out of is a loss and she’ll need to adjust before she can begin to contemplate a future with you.
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PARTNER PREFERS HIMSELF
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has admitted he pleasures himself three or four times a week, and now I feel he doesn’t fancy me as we rarely have sex.
He blames his low sex drive on being stressed but he has always been like this.
I’m 35 and he’s 36. We’ve been together for eight months. Everything else in our relationship is great.
We only see each other on weekends, which could be part of the problem. We’re both so busy with our jobs, fitness and friends. For example, I go to the gym twice a week and go out with my girlfriends regularly.
My boyfriend insists his low sex drive is because of his new job. It’s very stressful but he’s no different to how he was when I first met him.
Now I realise he masturbates so much, I’m convinced he doesn’t fancy me, rather than there being a problem with his sex drive.
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s not much wrong with his sex drive. It sounds like he has got into the habit of finding sexual satisfaction alone, which is lazy and selfish.
He needs to face up to what is happening rather than using stress as an excuse. Tell him how damaging his behaviour is to your relationship.
Suggest setting aside an evening together each week for chat, kisses and cuddles with no pressure to have full sex, even though that could be the likely result.
My support pack Different Sex Drives will help.
I GHOSTED HER AFTER PERIOD SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: A FRIEND pointed out that I had blood on my hands and face when I returned home after spending the night with an amazing girl.
I’m mortified. I also had it down below too.
I am a 20-year-old guy, and she is 19. We really fancied each other and after dancing together for hours headed back to her flat where, after a lot of kissing, we ended up having amazing sex.
The lights were really dim so I didn’t notice anything and after sex I stayed the night but left first thing without waking her up as I had work.
As soon as I got home my friend told me about the blood. I am so embarrassed. I know a period is such a natural thing but I am way too embarrassed to contact her.
I have heard nothing from her either.
DEIDRE SAYS: She may be just as embarrassed as you or upset that you left without a word.
Why not send her a message? Say you had an amazing time with her and that you would like to see her again.
As you say, periods are completely natural and if you act in a mature way, she’s more likely to feel at ease.
Some people find period sex uncomfortable because it’s messy, but you don’t have to go into details about that night. It will be easier to say something in passing when you are together face-to-face.
DREAM TO WED BUT BOYFRIEND’S SO CRUEL TO ME
DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want is to get married and have a family. I constantly fantasise about my boyfriend proposing but deep down I know he won’t – ever.
Years ago, I was told that I would have difficulty getting pregnant.
I am 32 and my boyfriend is 36. We’ve been together for almost three years. He says he doesn’t want to marry or have children.
Recently, he has twice tried to break up with me. I’m sure it’s because I have gained weight – something I am not proud of – but I am dieting and have started running and going to the gym.
He knows I am making an effort but he also says that I don’t keep the house as tidy as he’d like. I work full-time and often do overtime so there isn’t a lot of time for housework.
Most days I only have enough energy to come home, eat and get a decent night’s sleep.
I feel as though I walk on eggshells around him and it is beginning to get me down.
A few weeks ago, I met a man at work who is so kind and makes me feel lovely. I know it is early days, and we are still getting to know each other, but ultimately I am going to have to choose. Which way should I go?
DEIDRE SAYS: After three years together, it is only natural you are thinking about the future, but marriage and children are not the main issue here.
To be blunt, he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a loving and respectful partner. There are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you’re going to build a future.
Let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling, but don’t stay in a relationship where you’re permanently on edge.
Do decide what you really want before involving yourself with another man.
