This article is taken from the August-September 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £25.
From: James.Lyons@No10
Keir? He’s going nowhere, mate.
From: [email protected]
I don’t think we want to get into Kemi’s holiday plans. That’s private stuff.
From:James.Lyons@No10
Oh wait, I see what you mean. He’s going to have a very normal holiday because he’s a very normal guy. More Lake District than Cornwall. More Corfu than Tuscany. Probably camping or caravanning. Maybe a B&B. Normal. Very normal. Like a normal man. Which he is.
From: [email protected]
OPERATIONAL: Ed Davey will be spending his summer holidays encased in papier mâché made by primary schoolchildren gathered from different Lib Dem constituencies, in order to highlight the need for higher spending on local libraries.
From: [email protected]
Of course I don’t mind! We’re going on a family trip to Washington to catch up with JD, then Texas to visit the SpaceX headquarters. It’s going to be a free speech adventure!
From: Steve.Reed@DEFRA
City break somewhere as far from the bloody countryside and every bloody farmer as it’s possible to get.
From: [email protected]
AUTOREPLY: I’m afraid I’m away from my desk in July and August. If the matter is not important, please contact Richard Tice in Dubai. If it’s really not important, Lee Anderson will be reachable in Lanzarote on the usual number. For speaking work, you can find me at the Mar-a-Lago number: £100k minimum, Swiss account, no refunds.
From: [email protected]
Holiday? Goodness no. I’m going to be working every hour for the people of this country: meeting Conservative activists, dropping viral clips on TikTok. And fighting crime. Specifically low-level crime committed by people who don’t look like they’ll stab me if I confront them. It’s important voters understand what a terrible mess Britain is in after 14 months of Labour rule.
From: Ben.Nunn@HMT
Rachel will decide on her holiday plans once her officials have run the numbers and presented her with a set of costed options. It would be inappropriate for me to speculate ahead of that.
From: PartyGrangelaRayner@gmail
I’ve got a two-week residency DJ-ing at Pacha in Ibiza, so I’ll be largin’ it there, then holding the fort whilst Keir drags his kids round his walking tour of Snoresville, or whatever it is he’s got planned.
From: James.Lyons@No10
Just to be clear, when I said Keir was “going nowhere”, I meant this government is going to all kinds of exciting places, just as soon as Morgan’s worked out what they are.
