Q I am in my 40s and have a friend who I have known since university who has always been very unconventional in her relationships. Now she and her husband of ten years both openly have other sexual relationships.
I can’t understand it but she has always seemed happy about it. Her husband is a decent sort and I like him very much. Recently, however, she ended things with one of her lovers, feeling that he needed to be in a monogamous relationship as he wants children with a woman he has met. He has been completely accepting of this.
However, my friend has gone to pieces. She keeps calling me in tears and says that it feels as if her lover has died. She says she can’t talk to her husband about it as he doesn’t understand and also finds it a little insulting. I am sympathetic up to a point but feel increasingly frustrated by her distress because she still has a husband who loves her, at least two other lovers and a good lifestyle with many holidays. (No children.)
I don’t know what to say to her any more. I don’t want to keep having the same conversations but I also can’t tell her to snap out of it. She has always been a good friend to me.
A reader writes: What can I say to my friend in an open marriage who has ended things with one of her lovers and has gone to pieces – despite being married and having other lovers
A Your friend’s heartbreak may seem hard to understand, given her full and seemingly happy life, but grief doesn’t follow logic, it follows emotion. The relationship she ended clearly meant a great deal to her, and this loss may have tapped in to something deeper.
Sometimes, people who experience intense reactions to endings may carry unresolved grief from earlier in life. Perhaps your friend faced instability as a child, moving homes or schools often, losing friends and constantly having to start again. Or maybe she experienced the early loss of a parent, through divorce or bereavement, and has been shaped by that wound ever since. Such experiences can make any kind of separation feel overwhelming.
Alternatively, while she’s lived contentedly within her open marriage for years, this particular lover might have stirred something more profound – perhaps even the desire for a monogamous partnership with him herself, or for a future that included children. It’s possible she didn’t realise how deep her feelings for him ran until she had to let him go. She may be wrestling not just with the loss of him, but also with the loss of what might have been.
You want to be there for her, but the emotional toll is wearing you down. Gently suggest that she speaks to a therapist who can help her explore the roots of her pain and work out what this heartbreak really represents. You clearly care for her, but it’s OK to acknowledge your own limits. Sometimes, loving a friend means encouraging them to seek help beyond what you can give.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY BULLYING BOSS?
Q I have been working at the same company for over a decade. A much younger woman (I’m in my early 50s) was promoted to be my manager and, ever since, things have become unbearable. She belittles me in meetings, ignores my input and makes snide comments about my age. I dread going into work each day and am miserable.
I worry that at my age I won’t be able to find a new job. I feel trapped and worthless. I tried confiding in another manager, but she was unsympathetic and told me not to take things so personally. That only made me feel more isolated and helpless.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve always been a hard worker, but now I feel like I’m being pushed out of the job I once loved.
Caroline West-Meads says don’t suffer in silence if you’re bullied at work – keep a written record, talk to your HR department and seek confidential advice
A Bullying at work is deeply damaging, especially when it undermines your confidence and sense of self-worth. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Please don’t suffer in silence. If you haven’t already, start keeping a written record of incidents – dates, times, what was said or done – as this could be important later. If your workplace has an HR department, approach them with your concerns and evidence.
Acas (acas.org.uk), offers confidential advice on workplace bullying, or speak to your union if you’re a member. Also, you might find help at nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk.
You could look for a new job but I know it’s not that easy so, in the meantime, see your GP for counselling to rebuild your self-esteem. Many NHS trusts now offer training or workshops in assertiveness techniques, which could help you regain some of your power at work.
