A leading psychologist known for his expertise in romantic relationships has revealed a major sign that a marriage is facing failure.
US-based Dr John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor and founder of the Gottman Institute, who once conducted one of the largest long-term studies on relationships ever undertaken.
As a result of his extensive research, Dr Gottman has identified factors which suggest a relationship is doomed for failure.
In a recent video on YouTube, he responded to a question, identifying one of the signs that a coupling is in trouble.
He was asked: ‘So you can predict divorce. What exactly are you looking for when you observe a couple, and what’s the science behind it?’
Speaking in the clip, Dr Gottman noted that it depends on the situation in which you are observing a couple.
He explained: ‘If you’re observing them just hanging out, you see what looks like a real willful attempt to disconnect, what Erving Goffman called away behaviors.’
These represent a partner saying ‘I’m not interested in you. I’m not connected to you, and so whatever you feel and whatever you need doesn’t impinge upon me, I don’t have to respond to that’, the psychologist said.
A relationship expert has revealed a major sign that a marriage is doomed to failure (stock image)
He continued: ‘You know, that sort of colossal disinterest when they’re just hanging out is really a sign of this relationship is not going to work, and especially in moments where the partner is reaching out, you know, is making themselves vulnerable and saying, “hey, look at this. Join me”, you know.
‘And being interested in something [for example] watching a boat, looking at a bird, [or saying something like] “join me in a conversation about your brother, because I’m worried about your brother”, something like that.
‘And what predicts divorce is the [other] person saying, “no, I’m not going to respond to that. I’m not going to respond to your emotions and your your desire to connect with me”.’
Dr Gottman then discussed what is a very good predictor of divorce when it comes to conflict.
He said: ‘What we find is that when people have a ratio of positive to negative emotion that is less than five to one. That’s a really good predictor.’
By this, he means that in a healthy relationship, for every negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones, to offset the impact of the negative one.
A number of viewers took to the comments section to discuss how they felt about Dr Gottman’s theory.
One said: ‘My deceased husband spent the last 15 years if our marriage refusing connection with me. The grief was unbearable, helplessness and despair. Im still having anger and frustration for all those years.’
Dr John Gottman (pictured) is a marriage and family counsellor and founder of the Gottman Institute
Another mused: ‘I wonder if marriage with an avoidant can work because they aren’t the type to be vulnerable or accept bids for connection during conflict. Best to avoid imo.’
‘My personal opinion is if a spouse shuts the other out and disconnect, thete is nothing the loving spouse can do. Each individual is responsible gor their own behavior. Lots of times the shut down spouse had gone to porn or adultery,’ one replied.
Dr Gottman, who has written a number of books on marriage, also calls this idea of the 5:1 ratio the ‘balance theory’ of relationships.
‘As long as there are five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely to be stable,’ the Gottman Institute blog explains.
Positive interactions can be as small as smiling and laughing together, asking questions or saying I love you.
Meanwhile, negative interactions are deemed as things like arguing or criticism.
This means, he says, that if you do something that hurts your partner, you have to make up for it five times as much.
‘If you do something negative to hurt your partner’s feelings, you have to make up for it with five positive things,’ Dr Gottman has explained in a video.
A number of viewers commented on the video, sharing their views on Dr Gottman’s theories
‘The equation is not balanced.’
Dr Gottman claims that he can predict divorces based on the theory, and that unhappy couples will have more negative interactions that the ‘magic’ number of the five to one ratio.
‘The bottom line: even though some level of negativity is necessary for a stable relationship, positivity is what nourishes your love,’ his website states.
One way Dr Gottman suggests that couples can up the number of positive interactions they have is by practicing gratitude.
He says that couples should regularly demonstrate appreciation and respect for one another, something that sometimes gets lost over time.
