A couple who have chosen to sleep in separate bedrooms believe their unconventional arrangement has transformed their marriage for the better, bringing them closer than ever before.
Luisa Chater, who has a chronic pain condition, and husband Johnathan, both 49, have been married for 14 years and have known each other since childhood.
Four years ago, the pair decided to do away with the traditional shared bed and sleep apart in a bid to get more rest.
And, according to Luisa, from Dorset, it’s been nothing short of life-changing.
She explained: ‘We decided to sleep separately because I’m disabled and I have a lot of pain all the time, I don’t sleep well and it’s very broken, so I will sleep for an hour or so and then I wake up because I have to change position before the pain becomes worse.
‘I also have sleep apnoea and use a machine for that but we decided it would be better for John because he needs to work during the day.’
While Luisa acknowledged that there’s a ‘stigma’ around couples sleeping separately, she doesn’t think there should be – and stressed that her and Jonathan’s new arrangement doesn’t prevent them from being intimate.
Luisa, who felt ‘guilty’ about disturbing her husband’s sleep, added: ‘Everyone needs sleep and if you’re not getting enough sleep, then do something about it.
Luisa Chater and husband Jonathan (pictured) have been married for 14 years and known each other since childhood. Four years ago they decided to ditch the traditional shared bed in favour or separate rooms – and more rest
Luisa and Jonathan, from Dorset, are pictured on their wedding day in 2011
Luisa has said that sleeping in separate bedrooms has been ‘life-changing’ for the couple
‘It doesn’t stop us loving each other or being intimate.
‘If you love your partner, you want the best for them and if you’re snoring or you have a cold and don’t want them to get it, then you move rooms for a while.
‘This isn’t forever, it’s just for now, until things get easier for me pain wise.’
Luisa lives with chronic pain due to a disability and also suffers from sleep apnoea – both of which disrupt her rest and cause frequent wake-ups throughout the night.
Meanwhile, Johnathan needs to be fully rested for his job at a water company.
So, in a decision rooted in love and practicality, the couple agreed Luisa would sleep in her own room – allowing both of them to get the rest they need.
Luisa said: ‘If I need him, I can call him and he comes in to help me and he can also hear me, so if I have fallen or I need help, he knows when to come in.
‘We mutually decided because John wasn’t sleeping and he knew I was trying to stay still so he could sleep, which was making my pain worse, so we decided mutually to try sleeping apart.
Luisa and Jonathan, both 49, grew up together. They have no regrets about their decision to sleep separately and have said that it hasn’t prevented them from being intimate
The couple get much more rest now that they sleep in their own bedrooms
Luisa, who lives with a chronic pain condition, felt guilty for keeping Jonathan up at night
‘I felt guilty at first, because it’s my fault he couldn’t sleep and if I wasn’t disabled or in pain, we would still sleep together.
‘I knew it would be best for us both, because it means John is refreshed for work and if I need to sleep in or during the day, it doesn’t matter, I can sleep when I can.
‘It hasn’t affected us negatively, we both love each other more as time goes on, if he wants to share a bed with me at the weekend, he can, I don’t stop him and he can join me in our bed anytime he likes.’
Now, the pair say the decision to sleep apart has actually made their relationship stronger than ever.
Luisa is able to wake up, watch TV or read without disturbing her husband – and John knows she’s safe and can respond if she needs help.
And it hasn’t impacted their love life at all.
She said: ‘John’s sleep quality is better, unfortunately mine is the same, although I can sleep when I need to.
‘If I wake, I can put the light on and read or watch tv if I need to without bothering John.
The pair do intend to return to a more conventional arrangement once Luisa’s pain is more manageable
Despite sleeping separately, Jonathan is always nearby and can help Luisa if necessary
The couple have said that they are still romantic with one another when they want to be
‘He knows when I can’t sleep though because he can see my light, but he knows I’m okay, so he turns over and goes back to sleep.
‘If we want to be “romantic” we can do.
‘The unexpected benefits are more sleep, less stress, no arguments because we’re both exhausted and we are happy how things are at the moment.
‘We haven’t had any challenges because of sleeping apart.
‘We always go to bed together, have a hug and a kiss as always and he helps me with whatever I need and then John goes to his bed.
‘We will share a bed again, this isn’t a permanent solution.
‘This is temporary and we will sleep together again, when I’m in less pain.’
And while some may assume their separate sleeping arrangement is a sign of trouble – Luisa insists it’s anything but.
They believe that the common misconception that they mustn’t love each other because they don’t share a bed is completely wrong
Luisa and Jonathan believe that sleeping apart and, in turn, getting more rest has enhanced their marriage
Luisa has said that the unconventional arrangement has actually brought them closer than ever before
Luisa believes other couples shouldn’t be afraid of sleeping separately
The couple still hold hands in public, check in on each other throughout the day and maintain a close emotional bond.
Now Luisa is encouraging other couples to consider thinking outside the box – if it means saving their sleep and their relationship.
She added: ‘If you’re struggling to sleep and you think it would make things easier, just do it. It’s working for us currently, when we want to sleep together again, we will.
‘It hasn’t changed our relationship, we’re just us. We still cuddle and still love each other more than anything.
‘A misconception is that we don’t love each other anymore, but that’s not true, we love each other and we are still the same.
‘We don’t even think about us sleeping apart because we love each other just the same. We did this because of the benefits, not because of negatives, it’s just something we do.’
