Over the past few months, I have been on dates with two men I would never have gone for before. They’re both kind, quiet – not as showy as my usual type – and respectful.
It surprises me to admit that both of them have potential. In fact, at 57, and for the first time in years, I might actually be feeling something akin to butterflies in my stomach.
This is big news for me. Following my divorce, I’ve been single for four years – and this is the best I’ve felt about my chances of finding my dream man.
Online dating has always been an unequivocal disaster for me, from men who proposition you for sex before you’ve even met to those who text but have no intention of ever meeting up. Earlier this year, after a dismal date with a man I met on Elite Singles who proceeded to ask me nothing, monologuing instead about golf and his ex-wife, I considered giving up altogether.
So why the sudden change in fortune?
Welcome to the Burned Haystack dating method. It’s a take-no-prisoners approach invented by Jennie Young, a writer and rhetoric professor, who promises to help women cut through the endless jargon on men’s online profiles (such as ‘I’m looking for a woman who is my partner in crime‘ or ‘the final piece of the puzzle’) and then block or ‘burn’ time-wasters.
Inspired by her own demoralising experiences of using dating apps at 50, Jennie decided that endlessly picking through ‘the haystack’ to find that one ‘needle’ was too tedious and took ‘too damn long’. Instead, she hit on a brutal but effective process of elimination, insisting it’s quicker to find your needle, or perfect match, if you burn the haystack down.
She set up the Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group in 2023 to confront ‘common problems of dating in the digital age’ – and it’s really caught on, with more than 200,000 members and multiple success stories.
Lucy Cavendish has been on dates with men she would never have gone for before
Essentially, the idea is that you can be trained to recognise negative rhetorical patterns (such as dreadful cliches) men tend to use – 33 have been identified. Once detected, you can ‘block and burn’ these men. Meaning you unmatch or block them so they stop appearing on your dating app.
What kind of things are you looking out for? It turns out the clues to a ‘Mr Wrong’ aren’t as glaringly obvious as you might imagine. For example, do they say they’re looking for a ‘drama-free’ relationship? That’s a block. ‘It’s unrealistic and it’s a demand,’ explains Jennie. ‘A drama-free relationship is impossible. It’s a ridiculous thing to say and it’s directive.’
Sharing a picture of their children is a block, too: ‘It’s an unsafe thing to do online and they should value their children’s privacy.’ Other big no-nos include holding a fish (‘Surely everyone knows in 2025 that this is a bad look?’) or an alcoholic drink (‘Is that what you want people to know about you? That you drink?’).
Failing to take the initiative to organise a date within the first week? Block. Describing themselves as a ‘very busy man’? ‘It means they are challenging you to be “interesting” enough for them to spend some time with you,’ says Jennie. ‘Block.’
As harsh as this might all sound, it seems to work. There are plenty of gushing Facebook posts such as, ‘Jennie, thank you so much; I’ve met my needle’ and ‘I had totally given up on dating until I joined this group’.
But when I first join, I am a little taken aback by how innocuous some of the men’s ‘crimes’ seem to be.
Women share screenshots of profiles or a set of messages from a man they’ve matched with online to ask if there are any red flags in their behaviour. Jennie tends to lead the group discussion and then other members wade in.
One man falls foul of the Burned Haystack rules by saying: ‘Make a difference today. Tomorrow might then be a day of smiles.’ Jennie says this is ‘cliched stupidity’. (Now she mentions it, she’s probably right.)
Another man gives instructions to his date about their forthcoming boat trip and picnic: ‘I’ll buy the boat tickets. You bring the picnic.’
‘It’s too directive,’ says Jennie on the group.
At first, I wonder if Jennie’s tone is also perhaps a little directive. But there’s no doubt she’s the kind of woman you want in your corner. Particularly in the dog-eat-dog world of online dating.
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When I meet her on Zoom, she is much softer than I’d thought she would be; really funny and clever and very warm-hearted.
‘No one has time to comb through men’s profiles on dating apps,’ she says. ‘So my life’s work is to help women look for the rhetorical patterns that men use, to decode whether a guy is worth dating or not.’
Jennie is adamant that for the method to work you have to be brutal, and not settle for anyone who falls short of her standards.
So what does that look like? ‘Men in their 50s who say they “think” they might want to have children. I mean they should have sorted that one out by then surely.
‘Avoid men who talk about being in therapy because they are virtue-signalling and they just think it’s something that attracts women. Men who say, “You must be…” or “You’ll win me over if you…” because it’s telling you what you need to do rather than what they’re offering.
‘Men who do the “test and apologise” so they say something like: “You’ve got great legs.” And then, when you don’t respond, they say: “Sorry I didn’t mean to offend.” It’s totally disingenuous.’
I’m starting to like how direct she is – there’s no room for confusion. And there’s more…
Jennie says when men online say “cuddle” they mean sex. If they don’t message and refer to something you have said on your profile or do nothing more than send a waving emoji, you block them. (They don’t get an alert telling them you’ve blocked them, you just disappear from their app.)
‘Fully grown men know how to hold a conversation,’ says Jennie, ‘and if they don’t know how to do that on an app then they’re not worth wasting your time with.’
These may seem like minor misdemeanours, but Jennie’s point is that you want to rule people out rather than in.
But does she think the rules are a little bit too harsh?
‘I’m sure there are some good men that get cut out, but generally I think that’s very few. What I’m finding is that it’s the profiles that are relatively “tame” – they manage not to be disrespectful or fall into any of the rhetorical patterns – that actually end up making the best dates.’
Could I end up denying myself a perfect man, though, by dismissing him at the smallest sign of fault (like enjoying fishing)? I’m certainly not perfect, and surely our imperfections are what make us loveable?
Having said that, in the past I’ve probably inadvertently said yes to people who had red flags waving all around them.
Now, armed with her expert tips, it’s time for me to block and burn my way through my own dating haystack.
First things first, I must reassess my dating profile. Jennie advises using pictures that show me smiling, doing an activity I enjoy and one full body shot. She also encourages me to write a profile that feels fully and unapologetically me.
‘Part of the problem for women is that they write what they think they should write in order to be appealing to men. They flatten their personalities to make it as bland as possible to have maximum appeal.’
So instead of saying I like country walks and nights in front of a fire, which is what I wrote on my previous profile, I write about my love of poetry and my party trick of bending spoons. I describe my enjoyment of learning new things, that I like to ask big questions of life and that I am looking for a long-term committed relationship with a man who does the same.
I feel nervous uploading the new me, but within 24 hours I’ve had more than 200 responses on Match and Bumble – far more than usual. It’s daunting but I follow Jennie’s advice to only use the apps for ten minutes in the morning and evening to avoid addictively swiping out of boredom.
Within seconds, I can rule out at least 50 per cent of the men; the ones who want something casual, who live over 30 miles away, who use lots of emojis in their profiles (‘Childish,’ says Jennie).
Then I start picking up on the rhetorical patterns. Lots of men seem to want cuddles.
‘Even if they don’t mean sex, it’s an ick word,’ says Jennie.
There are men who seem to fall into the pattern of issuing a shopping list for their ideal woman with demands that begin ‘you must be…’ Quite a few men are ‘very busy’. Lots of men say they have ‘done the work’ meaning therapy and many say they want a relationship that is ‘drama-free’.
I end up whittling my matches down by 90 per cent. So now it’s time to start messaging.
Once again, I quickly block and burn. A couple of men respond to my perfectly innocuous opening message – based on something in their profile – with something sexual.
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There are a few who don’t ask me anything but tell me all about themselves. Some of them start using the emoji button too freely and some of them just cannot spell. Others suggest meeting after one message, which is way too soon for me.
After that round of blocking and burning, I’m down to five men out of 200 who all seem normal; they are respectful, interesting and interested. They’re not the five I would initially have swiped right on. But by using the Burned Haystack method, it does seem I’m actually connecting with men who are kind and clever.
There is one last hurdle. Can they arrange a date?
I check in with Jenny once a week, running the profiles and messages past her. ‘This is important,’ says Jennie. ‘You want to match with an adult, and adults can arrange things. So if there is a man who says: “What would you like to do and where would you like to meet?” and basically doesn’t seem to be able to organise anything, it’s a no.
‘That’s because they fallen into the “I’m a busy man” trap. Or they’re lazy. Or they’re used to their ex-partners organising everything.’
This last ‘rule’ knocks out another two. So, we’re down to three potential needles. They are all in the same age bracket as me, they all have degrees and hold down good jobs in industries such as cyber security and renewable energy.
None of them are traditionally ‘handsome’ – the Burned Haystack method doesn’t refer to physical attraction at all – but Jennie says the handsome ones are tricky to date as they are drawing on a wide pool. ‘They are the players,’ she says dismissively.
Instead, though, my matches all look kind and fun and write profiles that make me laugh. The messages are interesting and thoughtful and an easy repartee seems promising with two of them.
The third, however, doesn’t show the right level of interest in my responses.
For example, when he asks what I’m up to at the weekend, I reply: ‘I’m singing in a band and we are doing a gig.’ I think this pretty worth of comment but he responds: ‘I’m going to the rugby.’
Such a lack of follow-up questions is a block and burn, according to Jennie. ‘I remember getting so frustrated with some responses that I would make up what I was doing, like: “Oh, this weekend I’m flying to a Caribbean island for lunch.” If they didn’t respond to that, I’d block them.’
This made me gulp a bit. Shouldn’t we let a man know why we are ditching them before disappearing for good?
‘No. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and if the man can’t work it out then…’
Thankfully, the two remaining candidates both suggest interesting dates – river trips, visits to galleries, theatre, opera, live bands, good restaurants. I go to an art gallery with one and watch a live band with the other.
I call Jennie to tell her about it and she is delighted: ‘Now you go on more dates and you keep looking for rhetorical patterns and then you take it from there.’
So I go out with both men again and continue to enjoy myself.
I have a tendency to get involved very quickly but this process has slowed me down. Mainly because you need to be super-alert to red flags and mindful of tell-tale cliches.
I’m really enjoying the fact this gives me the chance to get to know a man, and they me, before anyone rushes in.
Although I was initially wary, I’m a Burned Haystack convert. I tell Jennie I cannot thank her enough.
‘I have so many success stories,’ says Jennie, who’s in the process of writing a book for HarperCollins, which is out next year. ‘It’s not all just about blocking, it’s about finding that needle [in a haystack],’ she says.
In a sea of dating apps that makes finding such a match seem impossible, burning – instead of combing through – the haystack is a godsend.
