The number one piece of advice when you’re ghosted is to not, under any circumstances, contact them.
You can be sad, you can be angry, you can treat yourself to some serious self-care (ahem, a bottle of Chardonnay and your favourite romcom). But once it’s clear that your romantic interest is no longer replying to your messages – and has no intention of speaking to you again – then you need to take the same approach. Because if you send them a single entreating text more, you’ll not only instantly regret it, you’ll feel utterly pathetic.
The ghosting phenomenon, where someone you’re seeing just stops replying without any explanation, is a sad side effect of the dating app world where it’s easier to forget your match is an actual person.
For the ghoster, it’s an easy way out that avoids awkward conversations. At least, that’s the plan.
Because when, a few weeks after I was ghosted by the man I’d recently slept with, I bumped into him. I didn’t hide away – I confronted him. And it didn’t leave me feeling pathetic; in fact, when I look back at my decade navigating the dating scene in London, it’s one of the moments I’m most proud of.
I was 27, and by then I’d been single for nine years, having had a series of six-month-long situationships, not-quite relationships and summer flings. I was hoping to meet someone I’d want something more with.
I confess I’d been guilty of chatting to someone on an app, losing interest and disappearing – low-level ghosting – and honestly, I’ve not been bothered when others have done the same to me.
But in my view, once you meet someone in person you owe them a reply, even if it’s a short and sweet one to say you’re not interested. Especially if you’ve snogged. And especially if you’ve had sex. It turns out Ollie thought differently.
The ghosting phenomenon is a sad side effect of the dating app world where it’s easier to forget your match is an actual person, writes Lizzie Frainier
I’d met him on a dating app and he’d suggested mini golf. As a child, I never imagined how integral mini golf would be to my twenty-something dating life. But it turns out it’s nearly impossible to swing a golf club in this city without kissing someone.
The evening was fun, light-hearted and playful. Ollie won by a considerable amount and lapped up the opportunity to tease me.
Over drinks afterwards he suggested we book a weekend in San Sebastian for our second date. Before I knew it, he had brought up a flight booking app on his phone. ‘There are some decent deals there later in the month,’ he grinned.
I thought it was silly and sweet in the moment – but in hindsight, anyone who shows such a disproportionate amount of affection before you’ve said your first goodbye is unlikely to stick around, merely using this kind of ‘love bombing’ to reel you in.
We arranged another date a week or so later. Ollie suggested a Monday. Red flag. (I didn’t expect a prime weekend evening, but Monday really means you’re the bottom of their priorities). He said he would organise it… and then the day before asked me if I had any go-to bars. I ended up choosing the spot. Another red flag. A few hours before we’d planned to meet, he said he was slammed at work and asked if we could raincheck to the following week. Red flag.
But he pulled it together, and the second date was just as intoxicating. We drank wine in an underground bar and flirted endlessly. He pulled up a list on his phone of spots he wanted to visit in London, and suggested we work our way through them.
We ended up going home together; it felt natural and nice. I knew I’d like to see him again, and when he left the next morning, he said: ‘See you soon. I’ll text you.’
And then he just… didn’t. I was disappointed, confused, a little ashamed. I hoped it was a mistake, that he’d got caught up at work; I didn’t imagine at that stage he was ghosting me.
Women are often told to play hard-to-get to keep a man’s interest, to be the coy, cool girl. Yet being flat-out ignored in response felt particularly cutting
So I sent the first message.
No reply. By this point, I felt pretty rubbish.
But I always give people the benefit of the doubt. This was a man who’d told me he felt lucky to have a sister, because it had made him a more respectful man. So a few days later, with misplaced optimism, I sent another easy, breezy message… to which I got no reply.
I realised this was no mistake; Ollie was ghosting me.
Women are often told to play hard-to-get to keep a man’s interest, to be the coy, cool girl. Yet being flat-out ignored in response felt particularly cutting.
Maybe I should have waited for him to text first? Maybe I shouldn’t have worn my heart on my sleeve? Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt quite as humiliated?
But any sadness I felt was outweighed by how flabbergasted I was by his rudeness. Surely, I thought, if you’ve slept with someone you can give the lamest of excuses. Tell me your landlord is booting you out. Tell me your boss is being a nightmare. Tell me your goldfish has died.
I fantasised about bumping into him in a bar, channelling my inner Samantha Jones and throwing a drink in his face.
But in a city the size of London, what were the odds of that?
Then, two weeks after my last text, I was walking from the bus stop into work and who did I see ten feet in front of me? Ollie.
I considered ducking my head and striding past him. But I knew I just couldn’t let this chance slip away.
Yes, it might embarrassing, but he needed to know his behaviour wasn’t okay. I walked over with a smile. ‘Hi Ollie.’
He hadn’t seen me coming; his eyes widened with panic, his body tensed – but quickly he rearranged his face to look relaxed.
‘Oh Lizzie, hi. Sorry, I owe you a text, don’t I?’ he said. Smart, but I wasn’t an idiot.
I got straight to it. ‘Actually, Ollie, I think what happened is that you slept with me and then you ghosted me.’
‘Uh…’ he started.
‘Yes. We had sex, I texted you, you ignored me, repeat. Do you feel good about that?’
He looked like a deer in headlights. ‘Oh, um, I’m so sorry. It’s just… Do you have time to get a coffee so I can explain myself?’
I couldn’t believe he thought I’d be late to work to go sit in a cafe with him and hear any number of pitiful excuses. I just wanted him to say sorry for not communicating that he didn’t want to see me again and be done with it.
‘No I don’t have time to get a coffee. I’m on my way to work – and I don’t want to.’ I looked at him and laughed. ‘I can’t believe you’re trying to play this down like you’re some nice guy.’
He apologised again, saying: ‘I know, I really am sorry. I don’t normally do this. And I do really want to explain myself. Let’s go for a coffee next week. Please?’
‘Maybe. I’ve got to go,’ I replied before I left.
The last five minutes of my walk into work were exhilarating. I’d had the chance to say what I wanted. I felt empowered and happy in a way I hadn’t expected.
When I told friends, they were equally proud of me. Most admitted they probably wouldn’t have had the guts to do it themselves, but now maybe they’d reconsider. One even gave me a high five.
Later, Ollie sent a long message (ironic given he couldn’t manage a one-line text the week before), to explain why he’d ghosted me: work stress, mortgage issues, his ex. I merely thanked him for the apology, and said I was glad I’d bumped into him.
I was so glad I’d seized the opportunity confront him. It reminded me why ghosting feels so cruel; it’s because it robs you of a voice and diminishes your worth. I’d felt the same until I took back the power.
So if I was ghosted again, I wouldn’t wait to bump into them, I’d send the text to say how I felt. And I wouldn’t feel pathetic, even if they never replied. I’d feel strong.
Ollie’s name has been changed.
Lizzie Frainier is author of Main Character: Lessons from a Real-Life Romcom (Piatkus, £20).
