- For help, call the Samaritans on 116 123 or go to samaritans.org
Q I have a 64-year-old son. We are very close and a few years ago he confided in me that his wife had had an affair and that he had considered ending his life more than once. He is now having the same problem with suicidal thoughts. He says he feels worthless and it is tormenting him so much.
My son is still with his wife and they have a good life together, but he puts on a good front. He won’t leave her because he adores his two adult children and two lovely grandchildren. They have been married for 42 years.
He says he gets depressed and feels as if he is being dragged down into this black hole. I must help him but I’m at my wits’ end because he says he cannot confide in anyone else.
A I am very sorry to hear this. It is always tragic when someone is so miserable that the only solution they see is to end their life. This is very hard for you too because it is distressing to watch a loved one battle with deep depression.
I am guessing that you must be in your 80s, and at a time of life when you might need more help yourself rather than having to support your son at such an intense level. It is even more difficult when he won’t confide in anyone else, as he needs immediate support.
People who feel suicidal often find the pain so unbearable that they just want it to stop. They can also believe they’re a burden to others and that their loved ones are better off without them. So, firstly, persuade him to visit his GP urgently. Please also make him aware of the helpline numbers for the Samaritans (116 123) and Calm, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (0800 58 58 58). If he is reluctant, explain to him the anonymity of calling these helplines and that there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Emphasise how much you, his children, his grandchildren and his wife love him and need him to be here. Tell him that his depression does not make him a burden in any way, but that they would all want him to get help.
Affairs can hack deeply into someone’s self-esteem. He probably needs long-term counselling to make sense of what has happened – and he and his wife may need couples counselling. It might even be that staying in the marriage is keeping him unhappy.
You also need to share this overwhelming responsibility with someone. So explain gently how frightened you are for his safety and ask his permission for you to talk to his adult children – and perhaps his wife – about the depth of his depression. (His children don’t necessarily need to know about their mother’s affair.) I’m sure that they would all be devastated to know how low he is feeling and would want to help.
Do also get help for yourself. Contact Calm for support and advice on getting him to accept the help he needs.
MY IN-LAWS WANT US TO HAVE OUR BABY BAPTISED
Q I got married two years ago, and my husband and I have just had our first baby. Although his parents are devout Christians, he no longer shares their views so I didn’t think my lack of faith would be a problem. I’ve always tried to be respectful of my in-laws’ views, despite not agreeing with them.
However, there’s now a lot of pressure from them to have her baptised. I really don’t want to because I’m not a Christian and don’t want to bring my children up within religion. My husband is happy with this decision but is reluctant to talk to his parents about it. I’ve tried but I struggle to be assertive with them.
How do I stand up for myself without disrespecting their views?
A It’s always a thorny issue when in-laws hold very different views on their grandchildren’s upbringing, especially when those views involve deeply held religious beliefs. That said, it is you and your husband’s baby, not theirs, and you are right not to bow to pressure. It is a shame that your husband is not more assertive – I suspect they may be rather formidable.
The best approach is assertiveness with compassion. Rather than prevaricating or suggesting a christening might happen some day, say to them clearly that you have both made a decision not to have your daughter baptised and that they need to let the matter rest. Explain that you know this is upsetting for them and that you are not doing it deliberately to hurt them. Add that you hope this won’t affect their relationship with you and that you very much want them to be an important part of your child’s life.
