DORITOS
Once they have been to Doritos, visitors just keep coming back. ‘I only wish I could stop myself, but I can’t,’ says frequent visitor Charles Large. The island is made up of a variety of small, almost imperceptible ingredients, including disodium inosinate, lactic acid, monosodium glutamate and whey protein concentrate.
YOBBOS
The annual Yobbos Festival grows bigger and bolder each year. Sports events include hurling, in which teams from the different regions compete to throw litter far and wide, and lavericrosse, in which competitors exchange abuse with one another. The Tate brothers, Andrew and Tristan, are long-time residents, and Liam Gallagher is a frequent visitor. A statue of the Oasis singer, constructed from old beer cans, welcomes travellers to the port with open fingers.
SERIOS
Those in search of somewhere to catch up on a 2,000-page epic poem translated from the original Finnish or a three-volume biography of Keir Hardie should head for the shady isle of Serios.
Professor Geoffrey Beardie has been visiting Serios for the past quarter-century. ‘I greatly value the dignified way the islanders greet one at the dockside with garlands constructed from old copies of the London Review Of Books,’ he says.
Restaurant dishes are lentil-based and served with tap water. The traditional breakfast is unbuttered bread and a glass of hot water with lemon. At happy hour, islanders meet in the square to discuss global warming.
FOMO
Of all the Greek Islands, Fomo must surely be the best-kept secret. ‘We welcome all visitors,’ says Mayor Kleptokrasi, ‘But we only tell a select number of them what’s going on.’
‘I heard from someone who knows everybody who is anybody that there’s a secret barbecue happening somewhere on the nicer side of the island later today,’ says Mia Mistaki. ‘But no one seems to know where the nicer side of the island is. Or, if they do, they’re keeping very quiet about it.’
The hottest ticket at the main theatre this year is for an exclusive performance of a play that hasn’t been named; VIP members bought all the tickets even before it was written. The top hotel, booked out years in advance, is the VVIP, which is behind closely-guarded gates. ‘Everybody welcome,’ says the brochure, ‘other than you.’
Liam Gallagher is a frequent visitor. A statue of the Oasis singer, constructed from old beer cans, welcomes travellers to the port with open fingers
CEOS
Aerial views of Ceos revealed that it is the only island in the world to be formed entirely of superyachts.
‘Our visitors are very busy men who relish the opportunity to anchor within bragging distance of other very busy men, without the need to subject themselves to all the unnecessary fuss of being dropped off on land and having to mix with hoi polloi,’ explains the mayor, whose official residence is a small but colourful dinghy.
‘What I love about Ceos,’ says entrepreneur Philip Green, ‘is that just a few yards from my superyacht I know there will always be another multi-millionaire ready to talk business, or to watch me demonstrate the new lighting system in my exclusive onboard discotheque.
‘It’s a place I always come, just to get away from it all and talk about how the main saloon lounge, designed in Brazilian rosewood with mother of pearl finishes, comes in at nearly 600 sq m, or 700 if you include the special golf training area.’
SLOMO
It’s as though the clocks have all stopped on the sun-soaked island of Slomo (motto ‘In My Own Time’) where inhabitants and visitors alike move at the pace of the celebrated mascot, the Tortoise, if they move at all.
The luggage carousel at Slomo airport operates at the speed of a yard an hour, other than at busy periods, when it slows down to 18 inches per hour.
The only cafe operates a ‘first come last served’ system. It’s worth booking the sweet trolley in advance – we suggest two or three days’ notice – as the elderly waiters take care to wheel it to five wrong tables before arriving at the correct destination.
