‘I sleep with escorts. My husband has no idea, but it’s not cheating’: Middle class mothers tell TRACEY COX the ‘sensible’ reasons why they’re paying for sex

Why would women pay for sex when they can get it for free?

That’s the reaction of most men when the topic of male escorts comes up.

The reality is women pay for sexual services for a variety of reasons. Some want to try a specific sex act they don’t want to admit to a partner. Some want sex without the commitment of a relationship but don’t want to trawl a bar to find it. 

More than a few are constantly disappointed by dating apps and want more control over who they have sex with; lots of career women don’t have the time or energy for a relationship but still want to have (good) sex.

I was surprised how many responses I got when I asked women to tell me if they’d ever paid for sex.

Here are the personal stories of three of the women I spoke to.

‘PAYING FOR SEX IS FAR MORE RESPECTFUL TO MY HUSBAND – I HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL‘

Sophia* is 41, married with one child and has been using male escorts for six years.

‘I’m a successful businesswoman and that means lots of travel and time away from my husband. I need sex to function well. My job is extremely stressful and it’s the one thing I can do to relax me that won’t affect my performance the next day.

‘Another female executive pointed me in the direction of the agency she used. We got close over the years and talked about how lonely the job was. It would never have occurred to me to hire a man for sex, having got it for free all my life whenever I wanted it. 

‘But the idea appealed because of the control factor. I respect my husband and still enjoy sex with him. This seemed a sensible way to protect him and satisfy me during those long business trips.

‘The agency I use is very good. Expensive but they guarantee a good match. The men they provide are articulate and educated and experienced lovers. I’m not after conversation but I don’t want to sleep with an idiot who is intimidated by me.

‘The evening starts with one drink, then we move to the bedroom. They always ask what I’d like, and I give a few instructions – lots of oral sex, me on top, sex toys – then see how adept they are. If they need more of a steer, I give it. 

‘Once sex is over, I make sure they leave pretty much immediately. I’m not interested in them knowing anything about me and ask never to have the same man twice. 

‘I got quite addicted to having sex with one escort when I was spending time in one city, and I didn’t like it. He gave the best oral sex I have ever had in my life. Obscenely good. But it’s not a relationship, it’s sex in return for money so I made the ‘never twice’ rule.

‘Apart from two other women, who lead lives like me, no-one knows what I do and I don’t feel any guilt about it. I practise safe sex always and there is no chance at all that my husband will ever know.’

‘I MISSED THE WILD SEX OF MY YOUTH BUT DIDN’T WANT TO RISK SLEEPING WITH A RANDOM’

Diana*, 46, has been married for 18 years and paid for sex once.

‘I had been married for eight years. That doesn’t sound long to most, but it was longest I had ever been monogamous and I was struggling sexually. 

‘I love my husband, but I didn’t marry him for the sex. I chose him because he would make a great dad and be an interesting, kind partner for life. It was the right decision, but I didn’t bank on how much I missed the wild sex I used to have in my single days.

‘I tried masturbating to porn but that can only satisfy you for so long. I considered having an affair, but you can’t control the person you are having an affair with and I never wanted my husband to get hurt.

‘A male escort seemed like a logical solution. I thought of it as a professional transaction. You hire a personal trainer to get you into shape, I was booking a lover to service needs that weren’t being met within my marriage. 

‘Most of all though, I was paying for discretion. If you pay someone for a service, they aren’t going to boast to their mates about you or try to find you on the socials or turn up at your door.

‘I wanted sex with a hot man, where I could direct the show, be assured an orgasm and not have to worry about my husband finding out. 

‘It didn’t seem like cheating to me, I guess because cheating to me would involve some kind of emotional betrayal. This was purely physical.

‘I’m no stranger to casual sex so the prospect of meeting a stranger and getting naked didn’t concern me. The paying part of it did. I could afford it (it cost £250) but I resented having to pay money for what I knew came for free. 

‘I could easily have used one of the infidelity websites to find someone else who was married and wanted anonymous sex on the side. But after the Ashley Madison data breach I didn’t trust that method.

‘I went through an established male escort agency and did a quick video chat first to check the photos were accurate. I booked a hotel room for a day, arranged to meet him at 11am and was back at home by 4pm.

‘It was an interesting experience. On one hand, I felt powerful because I was the one calling the shots. Because I was paying, I didn’t have to pretend to like everything he did to my body. I could be – and was – brutally honest. I guess I behaved like a man did. That part was arousing: being the kick-ass, dominant woman.

‘He looked like he was really into me and certainly had no issues getting or keeping an erection. But his penis had that telltale purple tinge to it that suggested he’d taken Viagra. I wondered whether he was faking desire – something I imagine men who hire sex workers also think about.

‘I ended up feeling physically fulfilled but emotionally off kilter. Women didn’t pay for sex! Why did I do it? I also felt unexpectedly guilty so haven’t strayed since. 

‘I confessed to one open-minded girlfriend and she was shocked so haven’t told anyone since and won’t. Years later, I’m still not sure whether it’s something I would recommend or not.’

‘I HIRED A MALE ESCORT TO SHOW OFF AT A SCHOOL REUNION’

Holly*, 36, has been with her partner for four years and has a daughter.

‘I didn’t hire the guy for sex, it was for appearances. I had a significant high school reunion and I didn’t want to turn up single, knowing everyone else was married with children. 

‘I was dating a guy but it was casual and certainly not someone you’d want to flaunt to people you haven’t seen in decades.

‘My best friend jokingly suggested I hire a guy to come with me and pretend they were my boyfriend and it all went from there. We went online for a laugh and it was like being on a dating app but you could have whoever you wanted. 

‘After she left, I couldn’t stop thinking about it and found a guy called Kieren that I liked the look of. He said he was “confident, charismatic and effortlessly charming” and “could adapt to any social setting”. Just what I needed. 

‘He didn’t list a price, but I did a search and knew it would be around £300 – maybe more. Was it worth paying that much just to impress some old friends – and enemies? I went on Facebook (again) and decided it was.

‘In all the photos Kieren was tall, dark, handsome and muscle-bound. But I wasn’t born yesterday so asked for a Zoom call before hiring him so I could see if the photos were taken years ago. 

‘Predictably, the photos were flattering but he was good-looking and had a sense of humour. He seemed confused as to why I would need an escort, saying I was good looking enough to “pull any man”. 

‘He says that to everyone, I’m sure, but it’s a good line all the same. It made me feel better. His cost was £250 for the evening and ‘more if I wanted more at the end of the night’. I hastily told him I didn’t want that, so agreed on the set price.

‘I told my best friend but no-one else knew. I was extremely nervous on the night but more worried I’d get rumbled somehow and end up looking even more sad than if I’d shown up single. 

‘Kieren agreed to meet early for that reason, and I told him a few “facts” about how we met. I kept it simple: we met two months ago in a bar and were keen on each other but nothing serious…yet.

‘We walked in holding hands and it felt like the whole room turned to look at us. We did make a striking couple, and in that moment it felt well worth the money. 

‘Predictably, everyone looked far less attractive than they did in their posts and the husbands and wives weren’t all that. I had a fantastic night – and so did he.

‘I’d paid him until 11pm, so we left early. Had I left it at that, it would have been a highly successful experience. But I was drunk and kissed him in the cab and he kissed me back and I stupidly thought that maybe he really liked me and that the dynamics had changed from me being a client to him having fun in his spare time. 

‘We went back to mine and started mucking around – foreplay stuff. But when it was time for intercourse, he said, ‘You know this is extra, right?’. I mumbled yes and we had sex but inside I was dying. 

‘I felt like such an idiot to have misread the situation… and I also had no idea how much it would cost! I felt duped. He should have told me when we kissed in the cab. 

‘The sex only lasted about 20 minutes but the whole evening cost me £500 and left me feeling pathetic and desperate. The sex wasn’t even that great.

‘I’m in a lovely relationship now and have a daughter. I am absolutely determined to make she never feels embarrassed about being single. Men aren’t pitied for not having a partner. Why are women?’

* Names have been changed 

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