I used to drink a lot. And when I say ‘a lot’, I mean I was in the merciless grip of alcoholism for two decades.
Hand in hand with daily excessive drinking, among many unsavoury consequences, came a lot of casual sex.
Not connected, intimate, healthy sex. But wild, reckless, meaningless party sex.
When I was drinking – which was always – my attitude towards getting down and dirty was ‘anything goes’.
Because when you’re an addict whose disease is running rampant, you’ll run rampant too.
I’ve had sex with both men and women, threesomes, group sex, full-on orgies.
I’ve had sex on trains and planes and in the backseats of cars. In bars and back alleys, pubs and parks.
As a former showbiz reporter, I even have a few celeb notches on my bedpost.
When I was an alcoholic, sex was never about pleasure. I was doing it ‘for the plot’, as Gen Z like to say, or simply because I had no control over my actions (pictured, Corrine as an addict)
As a former showbiz reporter, I even have a few celeb notches on my bedpost
Now I’m 51 and sober, I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
Back then, it was pure entertainment. I was doing it ‘for the plot’, as Gen Z say.
Truly, when I was jumping into bed (or into a toilet cubicle) for a quicky, I wasn’t thinking about my own pleasure or – god forbid – if this was actually a good idea.
No. I was thinking about the looks of pure glee that would adorn my girlfriends’ faces as I recapped the sexcapade over mimosas the following day.
The promiscuous party girl was an identity I’d adopted. It wasn’t who I really was. It was a disguise born out of trauma.
When I was 17, I got drunk at a party and was raped by a boy I knew.
That pain shaped the rest of my life. Yes, it warped my relationship with sex, but more broadly, my relationship with myself. It is, I am almost certain, why I drank.
Going forward, my drinking began to escalate and I formed a dissociative relationship with sex. It became an out-of-body experience for me – something I did because I felt I should, not because I wanted to.
I still don’t really know what it’s like to have sex for pleasure. (Corrine seen in her party days)
I thought it would make me feel loved. And even when it didn’t, it always made a spicy anecdote to tell the girls.
I never had sex because I wanted to. I didn’t – and still don’t – know what that’s like.
Yet I sought it out like I was some kind of nymphomaniac. I had a radar for quick and easy sex – and trust me, it’s available everywhere if you’re looking for it.
Given a big part of my job was attending restaurant and nightclub openings, there were plenty of opportunities – and I lapped them up with the same insatiable thirst I had for booze.
During my 20 years as a functioning alcoholic, I don’t think I ever had sex sober.
When you drink every day, you’re never doing anything sober. But when it came to sex, I always felt I needed that extra bit of Dutch courage to slip into ‘performance mode’.
It’s common for survivors of sexual assault to turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism. In turn, they may then experience higher rates of sexual promiscuity.
These days, women often talk about enthusiastic verbal consent. For female alcoholics, this isn’t part of our vocabulary. We may have sex, and we may seem enthusiastic, but because of our drinking, we lack the true ability to consent.
It’s what differentiates male and female alcoholics, in my experience.
Now I’m 51, sober and happy to never have sex again, writes Corrine Barraclough
Men in recovery can feel shame about their sexual past, including the pain they’ve caused through reckless relationships. But, on the other hand, many wear their drunken promiscuity with pride.
But for alcoholic women, sex is almost always laden with feelings of shame, regret, risk, fear and guilt. Some, like me, wonder if they’ve ever truly had consensual sex.
Now I’m nine and half years sober. I’m happy to say I’ll never drink again. But there’s something else I won’t do either – have sex.
For me, they are toxic relics of my old life. They exist hand in hand. I’ll never find joy in either of them ever again.
